Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

certified hallow’s eve classic

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.