God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
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I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.