Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.