Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

Goat cheese is for herders.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.