Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

bat life

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too