Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.