God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
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I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
my sentiments exactly
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME: