Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.