Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

True statement👍😏😁

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

I know a bad idea when I see one.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

A drum solo but on your face.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”