Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.