Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

dude it’s called proctologist

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?