Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

👀

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?