god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*