Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

english majors be like furthermore

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.