GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
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I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
when nothing goes right… go left
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.