Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

😜

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

the answer was staring at me all along

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’