Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.