God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Proctologist = Analyst
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…