God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Van Gone
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting