Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

new record!

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.