GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Cake safety first. Always.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.