Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

sensitive skin

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.