Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

🤫

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it