God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?


Fish: just on the land or something?

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To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.


-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you


WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?


“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”



If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet…

Then yeah… I’m about as self-helpful as they come.


Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.


remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s