God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
not seeing the problem
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.