@NewDadNotes

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

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@natsantonia

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

@afynou

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

@dafloydsta

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

@TheCamJude

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

@greg_vee

If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet…

Then yeah… I’m about as self-helpful as they come.

@AmericanGent69

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

@rad_milk

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s