God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Whoops
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY