Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.