Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

My hips? Compulsive liars.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.