Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH