Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

(True)

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

Them: Just act casual
Me:

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho