God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes