Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project