God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead