God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
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Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I wish I were this cool 😂
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.