Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY