Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

The three genders