God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
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In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…