Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.