Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

Creepy-crawlies

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED