Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”