Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?