Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Life hack

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

be nice to me or i will put you in the soup

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume