God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
You Might Also Like
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Here’s a meme
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️