Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

first you must answer his riddles

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.