Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

uncle dave has been through hell

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them