God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

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Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot


STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius


Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.


VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.


Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.


In retrospect, “so I guess we would all look the same if we were made into sausage” was probably weird small talk for a funeral.


Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive


throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..


*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*

And just like that, laundry is done.