God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
You Might Also Like
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried