DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
You Might Also Like
Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.
*My Gym Schedule*
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.
THEY SAID A MASK AND GLOVES WERE ENOUGH TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE
EVERYBODY ELSE HAD CLOTHES ON
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
*romantically climbs into your balcony to ask for your wifi password*
the first line of “wake me up when september ends” says that “summer has come and passed” which means that it‘s at least september 22nd so while people think billy joe armstrong is sleeping the whole month he is actually sleeping for at most 8 days
cop arresting me: i don’t care