Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas