Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!