God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
guys I’m going home
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
