Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

i cant believe ChatGPT lost its job to AI

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.

I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.