God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Love is in the air fryer.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
the answer was staring at me all along
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale