Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

ok like just. call me at this point

work smarter, not harder

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Software Development ⛵️

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”