Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind