Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

this is the greatest thing ever

rich people when they have to pay taxes

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime