Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

You are not alone 💚

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”