Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

i dont have time for this

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?