God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
