God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
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The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Generation gap…
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Friday
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.