Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead