God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van