Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”