Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

2024 has been a rough few years

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*