God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
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MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]