@GABBYdaAngSaya

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

You Might Also Like

@christinaloca

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@BoobsRadley

“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.

@sofarrsogud

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

@jazz_inmypants

BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question

BOSS:

ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank

@GrimReaperInc

The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.

Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.

Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.

@NickBossRoss

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

@sonictyrant

Bond: “Bond, James Bond”
Moneypenny: “Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny”
Q: [looking dejected] “Q, just Q, Q”

@robin_991

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

@BoogTweets

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems