How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
BOSS: can i ask u a question
ME: you just did
ME: because that was a question
ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.
BOSS: why are u in the fish tank
The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.
Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.
Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Bond: “Bond, James Bond”
Moneypenny: “Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny”
Q: [looking dejected] “Q, just Q, Q”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems