Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
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me: you don’t remember me do you?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Dude you’re a dentist. Why am I in stirrups?
A watch dog is like a regular dog,only it can show you the time.
I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.