God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.


Report – Sharks have difficulty finding work 51 weeks every year.


Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).


“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.


interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”



me: you don’t remember me do you?


My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake


A watch dog is like a regular dog,only it can show you the time.


I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.