Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

For real 🤣

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

Mornin. * use accordingly

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.