Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah was an idiot.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.