God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
giddy up Office Depot
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.