God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
life lately
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
