Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

kitchen magnet