God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
