God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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Looking at you, Jesus.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
philosophical skeletons be like
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please