God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
